Letters To My Former Self: The Early Nineties

I have to say, I had more fun looking through my old journals for this entry than I have had preparing for any post to date--not just the Letters To My Former Self series. I wrote the following entries between the ages of 8-11 years old (1992-1995). I haven't changed any spelling or grammar, and all I can say is: Enjoy!

Dear Diary,

February 4, 1992, 8 years old
Today I found out what sex is: A guy and a girl laying naked on top of each other. That's gross! Yuck!

February 8, 1993, 9 years old
I can't decide between Cory and Brandon. Who should I date? Cory is very matcho. So is Brandon. I guess Cory is my dicision: 1.) he's younger 2.) Brandon is not centimental.

April 4, 1993, 9 years old
Today was Sunday and as we all know, all I can think about is Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. He's really cute. Guess what he did? He said he liked me by body language. He sat by me.

February 23, 1994, 10 years old
I hate my dad and my mom! They said I can't shave my legs! You may think it's stupid, but if you don't shave your legs and your armpits and you don't wear a bra, you're not cool. I do wear a bra, but as far as the legs and the armpits, well, i dont do them. Please, please, please Mom and Dad, if you read this, let me shave my legs! If not, I might just do something I regret!

March 10, 1994, 10 years old
Today I went to practice for the speech contest and Georgie was sitting with me and he started making faces at me and I never could have been so happy in my life. I like him so much!

November 16, 1994, 10 years old
I get to shave my legs today!!

March 16, 1995, 11 years old
I am going to an Amy Grant concert, and I cannot wait! I am sooooooooooooooo excited! I get out of school early. I can't wait!! I am listening to House of Love as I write. I am soooooooooo excited!

March 19, 1995, 11 years old
Today I was flipping through the channels and I stopped at MTV which I don't watch except when Boyz to Men is on. Anyhow, I stopped and I was trying to figure out who this lady was on there and finally I saw that it was Madonna and I thought "AAHHHHHH" I would get in so much trouble if my parents knew I saw that!

By show of hands, how many of you would like to go back to a time when having a boy sit beside you or make faces at you meant he liked you, when an Amy Grant concert (literally) rocked your world, and your biggest fear was whether or not your parents saw you watching MTV? Did all of you raise your hand?

And yet, I remember wishing away the years and always wanting to be older and have more privileges (hence the intense desire to shave my legs). In fact, my mom says that on my birthdays, people would aske me how old I was, and I'd reply: "This year I'm three, but next year I'm going to be four."

Therefore, here's the advice I would give my 8-10 year old self. I feel confident that all of you would give similar advice:

• Sex (outside of marriage) is yucky!
  
• Guys mature slower than girls, so younger is not (always) better.
  
• Boys are simple. Don't over think their actions. If they sit by you, it was probably the only available seat and if they make faces at you, they probably had something in their teeth or an itchy nose.
  
• Shaving your legs is a pain in the a**. Believe me. There will come a day when you'll look forward to cold weather. If you have pants or tights on, no one can tell you haven't picked up a razor in three days.
  
• Madonna IS bad, and wait a few years: Amy Grant's House of Love will come tumbling down alongside Vince Gill.
  

Most of all, I'd tell myself: Enjoy your youth. It passes all too quickly, and you will never get those days back.

Until Tomorrow,
Jennifer Lynn

Letters To My Former Self Part 2: A More Beautiful You

I've known what I was going to write about this week since last Sunday afternoon's post. I wanted to start off the Letters To My Former Self series with this entry, but for reasons you'll clearly understand in a minute, I had to work up the courage to write this.

If you've spent any amount of time with me, you've probably heard me reference the fact that I "used to have an eating disorder in college." I only bring it up if it fits in with the conversation, and I say it rather nonchalantly so that people (particularly those who haven't known me for very long) don't think I'm some weirdo who likes to stick her head in the toilet.

While my "weirdness" may still be up for debate for a number of reasons, (after all, I do like to talk to my cats in baby voices...), it is not because I used to stick my finger down my throat. On the contrary, a 2008 survey by Self Magazine and the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill revealed that 65% of American women between the ages of 25-45 report having "disordered eating behaviors" with an additional 10% of women reporting behaviors consistent with bulimia, anorexia and binge eating disorder. Sadly, that means that women who don't have bad thoughts about their bodies or engage in unhealthy eating behaviors are the "weird" ones.

Still, I was hesitant to share my personal struggle with all of you, until I re-read a quote I had written in one of my former journals:

"I don't really regret much in my life, but I will never get back the time I spent worrying about what the scale said." -Portia de Rossi, Actress and Former Anorexic.

And that's just it. I can't take back the years I lost to self-loathing, mild depression and bodily harm, but maybe I can prevent some of you from losing time. The following are excerpts from the journal entries I wrote during various stages of my eating disorder and my recovery:

Dear Diary,
I hate myself! I am a fat, nasty, stupid, ugly girl! Gosh! I am such a loser! I have seriously gained so much weight...
WHY?! WHY!? WHY!? Would I binge and then purge? Yep! That's right. I threw up. I didn't take two steps back. I took 20! It's all Satan. He is trying to attack me from all sides, but I won't allow it. I won't give Up! I'm going to kick this disease...
I ate an english muffin with peanut butter for breakfast. I felt guilty because it was probably about 400 calories, so I need to be careful not to overeat at lunch...
I purged, and I then I ride my cabinet of "trigger" foods. An alcoholic wouldn't keep alcohol in his house, so why should I keep things like peanut butter, chocolate or ice cream in mine...
I want to go to the grocery store and get some ice cream and eat until I can't move. Why? Because I am lonely and I feel overweight and hopeless to ever lose the weight I need to lose...
If Jessica Alba is the standard by which mean judge women, then I will just have to do all that I can to look like Jessica Alba...
Unfortunately I have to get in the shower, which means I'm gonna have to look at my fat thighs...
I don't want to be afraid to have dessert every once in a while, but I don't wnat to have large amounts of it in an effort to avoid feeling how I feel at the time...
If I start binging and purging, it's hard to stop. Sometimes it's like an out-of-body experience. I literally feel like something is controlling me and I can't stop...

I'm not going to write much of a response, except to say this: If what you just read reminds you of yourself or someone you know, please feel free to contact me at jennprentice@gmail.com. I'd love to send some encouragement--and some resources-- your way.

Finally, I want you to know that it is only by God's grace that I can sit here and say that I no longer struggle with an eating disorder. Sure, I still have my "fat days" (mostly around a certain time of the month), but binging and purging are not even a thought in my head. My life is a living testimony to Philippians 4:13.

To close, I'll leave you with a link to a song called "More Beautiful You" by Christian artist Johnny Diaz. (I'm sure all you K-Love listeners are familiar with it already.) It's everything I would have said to myself if I had known me then...

Until Tomorrow,
Jennifer Lynn

P.S.- I'm pictured above with my college roommates, Leah and Haley, who initially called my parents during our freshman year to alert them to my eating disorder.

Letters To My Former Self: Breaking Up Is Hard To Do This Well

As promised, here is the first installment of Letters To My Former Self. I have to admit, re-reading my old journal entries has been much more emotional than I thought it would be. Old hurts--even ones from what seems like another lifetime--can still sting pretty bad. This entry is from November 2, 2007. My heart had been unexpectedly broken only two days earlier...

Dear Diary,
I just spent the last two months of my life in an amazing relationship. He walked into my life on August 26 and walked out on October 31. Short, yes, but during those two months, the Lord showed me an earthly picture of how much HE loves me, and the Lord truly my relationship with Jacob to draw me closer to HIM....which in many ways, makes the break-up all the more confusing.

Before I met Jacob, I was completely open to whatever God had for me in the future--relationship or no relationship. And once the two of us started spending time together, I felt (for the first time in any relationship that I've ever been in) that I had completely surrendered our relationship to God's control. I cannot describe to you the peace and assurance I had that God had placed Jacob in my life, and here I am two months later feeling confused, scared and not all assured or peaceful.

While I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God can turn everything around for HIS glory, I have no clue how any of this is going to turn out or why all of this had to happen. Still, I know that despite my confusion, uncertainty and pain, I'm exactly where HE wants me...

-The End

A bit of background for you: Almost two years before I met Jacob, I had been happily engaged in a three year long relationship with a guy who I thought I was going to marry...Until one day when he announced in the car on the way to church that he was "having some doubts about our relationship." It was very reminiscent of "Red Light" by David Nails, and we were broken up by lunchtime that day.

Since that relationship, I had been "serious" with one other guy, who strung me along for seven months before announcing in April (2007) that he would be moving to San Francisco in May. Needless to say that love had not been kind to me over the past few years, and Jacob's email saying he "couldn't explain why, but he didn't want to date me anymore" was the final blow to my already bleeding heart.

But enough of my sob story...So what would I have told myself then, if I'd known what I know now. Well, for starters, I would have said: "You go, Girl!" I admire my resolve in trusting the Lord even though I didn't understand my circumstances and couldn't see what the purpose behind them were.

Second, I would encourage myself to stay the course and continue learning who it was (is?) that the Lord wanted me to be then and in the future. Ironically, I just got finished listening to a sermon on the character qualities of a mature, Godly woman. As I think back to that period of time in my life, I'm sad to say that I may have exhibited more maturity and Godliness then, than I sometimes do now.

Third, I would have given myself a big hug and a gentle reminder that: "Cling to Jesus, guard your heart, and wait patiently. This too shall pass. God is for our good, and there's a tall, dark and handsome man waiting for you a few months down the road..."

Until Tomorrow,
Jennifer Lynn

PS- That's "former me" one week before the breakup. "Former Jacob" is cropped out. =)