Letters To My Former Self: Breaking Up Is Hard To Do This Well

As promised, here is the first installment of Letters To My Former Self. I have to admit, re-reading my old journal entries has been much more emotional than I thought it would be. Old hurts--even ones from what seems like another lifetime--can still sting pretty bad. This entry is from November 2, 2007. My heart had been unexpectedly broken only two days earlier...

Dear Diary,
I just spent the last two months of my life in an amazing relationship. He walked into my life on August 26 and walked out on October 31. Short, yes, but during those two months, the Lord showed me an earthly picture of how much HE loves me, and the Lord truly my relationship with Jacob to draw me closer to HIM....which in many ways, makes the break-up all the more confusing.

Before I met Jacob, I was completely open to whatever God had for me in the future--relationship or no relationship. And once the two of us started spending time together, I felt (for the first time in any relationship that I've ever been in) that I had completely surrendered our relationship to God's control. I cannot describe to you the peace and assurance I had that God had placed Jacob in my life, and here I am two months later feeling confused, scared and not all assured or peaceful.

While I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God can turn everything around for HIS glory, I have no clue how any of this is going to turn out or why all of this had to happen. Still, I know that despite my confusion, uncertainty and pain, I'm exactly where HE wants me...

-The End

A bit of background for you: Almost two years before I met Jacob, I had been happily engaged in a three year long relationship with a guy who I thought I was going to marry...Until one day when he announced in the car on the way to church that he was "having some doubts about our relationship." It was very reminiscent of "Red Light" by David Nails, and we were broken up by lunchtime that day.

Since that relationship, I had been "serious" with one other guy, who strung me along for seven months before announcing in April (2007) that he would be moving to San Francisco in May. Needless to say that love had not been kind to me over the past few years, and Jacob's email saying he "couldn't explain why, but he didn't want to date me anymore" was the final blow to my already bleeding heart.

But enough of my sob story...So what would I have told myself then, if I'd known what I know now. Well, for starters, I would have said: "You go, Girl!" I admire my resolve in trusting the Lord even though I didn't understand my circumstances and couldn't see what the purpose behind them were.

Second, I would encourage myself to stay the course and continue learning who it was (is?) that the Lord wanted me to be then and in the future. Ironically, I just got finished listening to a sermon on the character qualities of a mature, Godly woman. As I think back to that period of time in my life, I'm sad to say that I may have exhibited more maturity and Godliness then, than I sometimes do now.

Third, I would have given myself a big hug and a gentle reminder that: "Cling to Jesus, guard your heart, and wait patiently. This too shall pass. God is for our good, and there's a tall, dark and handsome man waiting for you a few months down the road..."

Until Tomorrow,
Jennifer Lynn

PS- That's "former me" one week before the breakup. "Former Jacob" is cropped out. =)